Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman: 30 Ways to Make a Pregnant Woman Hate You

This week, three different people have forced me into conversations about my breasts. Despite my attempts to steer the conversation elsewhere, I've repeatedly found myself fielding others' inaccurate, offensive, and intrusive comments about my body. This is par for the course when you're pregnant. You might think that telling a woman her breasts are enormous is a great compliment; but if she's struggled with back pain and unwanted attention because of those breasts, you're just drawing attention to a source of misery--not to mention commenting on a private area of her anatomy.

The same is true of so many other comments people direct to pregnant women. I've had a handful of comments that were clearly designed to be hurtful, or even threatening. In most cases, it's simple ignorance with a side of narcissism. So if you can't resist talking to pregnant women about their pregnancies but don't want to destroy relationships or hurt feelings, here are the comments pregnant women are sick of hearing.

1. Don't name your baby that. Sorry you don't like my baby's name. Will you be pushing my child out of your vagina or funding the costs of college?
2. Here are some baby name ideas. Thanks for the suggestions that don't in any way meet the guidelines I have for naming my child. Thanks also for putting me in the awkward position of having to explain why I am rejecting each and every one of them.
3. You're so small for being pregnant! You're so tall for being stupid. 
4. You're enormous! You must be having twins! Nope. Just pregnant. Thanks for making me feel self-conscious while making it clear that you're monitoring my body in a really creepy way. 
5. Are you sure you're not having twins/farther along than expected? You're right. All this extra blood flowing to my uterus rendered me completely incapable of thinking. My doctor's also an idiot. I'm so grateful for random suggestions by rude people with no medical training! 
6. You really shouldn't eat/drink that. Where did you go to medical school again? And why do you think your opinion of what I should and should not do should trump the opinions of my doctor, my spouse, and myself? 
7. Why are you having a homebirth/having a hospital birth/breastfeeding/co-sleeping/feeding formula? Let's make a deal: I'll begin justifying my choices to you when you begin justifying yours to me. How about we begin with a discussion of your total lack of manners?
8. You look great for a pregnant woman! Translation: you think pregnant women are ugly. How about you reduce your comment to "you look great" and keep the backhanded compliments out of it? 
9. Your breasts are enormous! Your brain is tiny. 
10. I feel bad for you with all the weight you're going to have to lose/excess breast size you're going to deal with. I feel bad for you that when I'm no longer pregnant, you'll still be stupid. 
11. You really should try x thing. OMG! What would I do without brilliant people like you to suggest completely obvious common knowledge. 
12. You're having a girl/boy because you're carrying low/high. Thanks for the science!
13. I just sense that you're having a girl/boy. Really? Because this baby is growing inside of me and I have no sense at all about it. Fascinating that you've invaded someone else's body like that. 
14. Was the baby planned? Was your rudeness planned?
15. Did you use fertility drugs? How about this: I'll answer your question if you agree to take drugs that slow your verbal diarrhea. 
16. Another girl?/Another boy? Thanks for the congratulations and the derision of my child's gender. Are you suggesting I should just throw my child off a cliff at birth? 
17. Can I touch your belly? Only if I can examine your prostate. 
18. Are you going to find out the sex? You really should find out the sex so people can get your baby the right possessions. Thank you for explaining precisely why I'm not going to share the sex with you: because I don't want people projecting their sexist ideas onto my child. 
19. Childbirth isn't THAT bad! It's always, always a man saying this. I repeatedly offer to insert cantaloupes into their butts since such a sensation isn't "that bad," but weirdly, they all keep declining. 
20. Are you going to keep working? I can't even begin to unpack this one. Rearing a child is work, and no one ever asks my husband. So I've started telling people that, nope, I'm not going to work. That's why the baby will be raised by a pack of coyotes. 
21. There goes your life/Time to get a minivan/Welcome to never having sex again. Sorry that you couldn't manage having a child, or are so weak that the mere thought of one convinces you you'll have to give everything up. But I'm fairly certain there are many happy, vibrant, productive humans raising children. 
22. Don't gain too much weight! Just don't. 
23. You look awful/tired/stressed! Gee, thanks. So do you. 
24. You don't even look pregnant! You look amazing! Thanks for telling me that the pregnant state I'll be in for the next several months doubles as an insult. 
25. Do you think your husband will help? Um, no. My husband will not "help." Or baby-sit. He will fucking parent. 
26. Must be those pregnancy hormones, haha! Thank you for blaming everything on my pregnancy. What's your excuse? After all, you don't have pregnancy hormones to blame. 
27. Just wait until sleepless nights/tantrums/whatever. Thanks for the good wishes. 
28. Here are all the things you should do/not do with your child. I know it's hard to believe, but I am still capable of reading and learning while pregnant. 
29. Let me tell you my traumatic birth story. No. 
30. You still haven't had the baby yet? Nope, and if I had, he or she would literally be dead. Pregnancy is almost 10 months, asshole.