5 Simple Rules for Interacting With Pregnant Women (Or, Pregnant Women Are People, Too)

People, especially men, really do not like it when you tell them what they can and cannot say to pregnant women. Something about pregnancy stokes a collective sense of ownership that pregnant women learn to expect--and dread.

On social media, reactions to my blog fall into two distinct categories. Women who are pregnant or who have been pregnant loudly cheer just about everything I say. People who have never been pregnant react with fear and frustration. "But what CAN I talk to pregnant women about?" "Now I'm terrified to touch a pregnant woman!" "Why are pregnant women so demanding?" 

They keep missing the point, which is that pregnant women are people, too. The rules for how to treat them are exactly the same as those for interacting with any other human. The problem is not that pregnant women require special rules. The problem is that people must be reminded of these rules at all. 

Interact with pregnant women just as you would interact with anyone else, by following the basic rules you learned in kindergarten:

Don't Touch People Without Their Permission

Would you grab a stranger on the street? Pick up someone's child without their permission? Slap a stranger on the ass? If you answer in the affirmative, you may need to return to kindergarten. If, like most people, you can't fathom doing such things, then don't do them to pregnant women either. What about having a child growing inside her makes a woman fair game for touching? Absolutely nothing, especially given that the discomforts and self-consciousness that come with pregnancy make most women more sensitive about and protective of their bodies. 

Don't Insult People 

We've all cringed when a small child called a stranger ugly or fat. In an ideal world, these superficial insults wouldn't sting so much. We don't live in that world. In our world, insulting someone's appearance--one of the few things he or she can't change, and the factor according to which so many women assess their own worth--is one of the cruelest things you can do. 

Decent people know this. It's why they never remark on a friend's weight gain or acne. Because pregnant women are people just like everyone else, they don't want to be insulted. Don't tell pregnant women they're fat, force them to explain why they're showing so quickly, or remark on all their visible pregnancy symptoms. 

Don't Talk About People's Private Parts or Private Lives

My breasts were no one's business prior to my pregnancy. They're no one's business now. Basic human respect requires people not to talk about people's private parts or what comes out of them. So don't force the pregnant women in your life to defend their birthing or feeding choices, and don't comment on their breasts. 

Likewise, other people's sex lives are private affairs, as are their medical records, financial decisions, and relationship concerns. Stop asking pregnant women whether the baby was planned, which fertility treatments they used, and how they plan to fund the baby. For the love of God, please also stop asking women whether they're "trying for" a baby, and quit telling them pregnancy means they'll never have sex again. Unless you're in the bedroom watching her sex life, which would be creepy and illegal, you know nothing about it and have no right to comment on it. 

Don't Force People Into Arguments 

Every day people force me into arguments about breastfeeding, circumcision, birth choices, what I eat, what I wear, how I feel about my pregnancy, and so much more. This completely negates my humanity. I'm just minding my business in the grocery store or at a restaurant, and suddenly a stranger has cornered me and demanded I defend myself. I don't have time for that, and I don't deserve the sudden stress it produces. 

Be Polite to Strangers

People sometimes tell me that folks can't help but comment on my pregnancy. It's too exciting, too obvious, too...something. I'm supposed to believe that my pregnancy robs people of their self-control, just as I'm supposed to cultivate more self-control than ever. After all, it takes a helluva lot of self-control not to practice some mean self-defense when a stranger grabs you. 

If you really believe it's impossible to control yourself around pregnant women, or if you simply must say something, follow the rule we all learned as children: be polite to strangers. Smile. Tell her she looks great. Offer reassurances that motherhood is grand and she'll be great at it. If you can't bring yourself to do this, then shut your mouth and move on. If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all, because you're probably a jerk, and she's probably heard it a million times before.