Gift Ideas for New Mothers: Focus On Her, Not the Baby

Looking for a great gift for a woman who's just given birth? You don't have to navigate the horrors of the baby aisle. In fact, the nicest and most helpful thing you can do might be to get her something that has nothing whatsoever to do with the baby.

Three years ago, one of my neighbors had a baby. I got her a bunch of baby clothes and assorted baby supplies. This week, she brought home another baby. I'm giving her a gift card for a massage. Now that I'm pregnant, I understand the need for women to be differentiated from the children they bear.

When you're pregnant, it's easy to feel like little more than a baby oven. It starts slowly, as thoughts of the baby slowly edge out your other interests. Over time, people only want to talk to you about the baby--and they rarely show any interest in you or how you're feeling.

Suddenly you're supposed to get excited about a gift for another person--the baby--and view that gift as if it is for you. It becomes very difficult to separate yourself from the baby, and that makes it nearly impossible to have an identity independent of motherhood. This doesn't happen to men. People continue to talk to fathers about a range of subjects. My husband often goes days without hearing anything about my pregnancy. He doesn't have to worry that he'll stop getting fun gifts and start getting baby clothes, either.

There's nothing wrong with giving baby gifts, particularly if a couple doesn't have the financial means to buy them on their own. But pregnancy is a grueling process, and childbirth can wreak havoc on a woman's body, sense of self, and psychological well-being. After such a transformative experience, I think new mothers deserve something just for them, not another baby gift masquerading as a "gift for mom." If you're considering getting a gift for a new mother, consider some of the following:

• Child care. If you know her well enough, offer to sit with the baby while she showers, naps, or does some work; few new mothers will leave their newborns alone with someone else, so be willing to provide child care while mom is home. 
• Food. Even when she's recovering from a C-section or a perineal tear, odds are good that a new mother's family still thinks she's responsible for household labor, including food preparation. Provide a handful of delicious meals so she can rest. 
• House cleaning. Offer to clean her house, or get her a gift card for a maid service. 
• Massage. New motherhood is tough, and labor is even tougher. Help her release some tension with a massage gift card. 
• Beauty and other pampering treatments. Gift cards for manicures and facials can take on a sexist hue if she's not otherwise into these services. But if you know she loves getting her nails done, offer to take her out. Better yet, coordinate with her partner to watch the baby while you treat her to a day of pampering. 
• Lingerie gift cards. When your body is transitioning from pregnancy to non-pregnancy, it's difficult to justify buying lingerie that likely won't fit in a few months. This can take a toll on a woman's sense of self and sexuality, particularly if she loved the lacy stuff before. Give her a free pass to get something that makes her feel gorgeous in the body she has right now. 
• Clothing and clothing gift cards. Same deal as lingerie. Help her buy something she loves. 
• Books. If she's an avid reader, she might be sick of reading parenting manuals. She also might feel guilty about taking time away from the baby. Encourage her to take time for herself by getting her a book you know she'd love. 
• Outings to the ballet, the symphony, or a museum. New mothers sometimes feel guilty about thinking about things other than the baby. Help her feel good about pursuing her other interests by giving her a gentle nudge. 

A woman doesn't stop being a human being with varied interests just because she becomes a mother--even though there's plenty of pressure for her to do precisely that. By giving her a gift that has nothing to do with the baby, you provide acknowledgment that she's still her own person, and that that person matters.