As early as we can talk, most of us learn that it's never acceptable to comment on someone else's weight. Yet something about pregnancy sends common sense, decency, and basic etiquette packing. Suddenly women's bodies are subjects for public consumption and discussion. This tradition is the product of sexism, sizeism, fatphobia, and a bunch of other ugly societal norms that harm women.
I've been thin my entire life, so I'm not used to people commenting on my weight. Until my 30th birthday, I weighed 100 pounds. According to every measure and body weight chart, I was profoundly and unhealthily underweight. Yet no doctor or nurse or "well-meaning" relative ever suggested I gain weight. Why might this be?
Because our concerns about women's weight, our willingness to tell women deemed fat to lose weight, and our constant concern-trolling have little to do with health, and everything to do with our demand that women conform to a thinness mandate at all costs. So thin women are congratulated for their "positive choices," even when there's no evidence of these positive choices and even when thinness puts their health in danger. Even in pregnancy, we continue to congratulate women for remaining "thin."
Of course, pregnant women are not obese. They're just treated that way. That's the problem: pregnancy inevitably means weight gain, yet we consistently treat pregnant women as if they are fat, and endlessly subject them to comments about their bodies. Most pregnant women gain much more than the recommended "norms," but doctors continue to fail to tell these women that those norms might be unreasonable.
Why is this sexist?
The Presumption That All Pregnant Women Want to Lose Weight Treats Thinness as Morally Superior
Yesterday at an appointment with my midwife, I asked if it was ok to indulge my sugar cravings as long as I didn't get too out of hand with it. I expected an answer about gestational diabetes. Instead, I got a lecture about how the body processes sugar less efficiently during pregnancy, and I would therefore gain more weight if I ate more sugar.
"But if I don't care about weight gain, I generally eat healthy, and I stay within healthy weight guidelines, are there any actual health risks?" I asked.
She looked at me like I had three heads and 12 eyes. What kind of monster doesn't care about weight gain?! This monster. The one who had to struggle to gain weight to get pregnant. The one who gives zero fucks what society thinks of her body. The one who knows that weight is not a proxy for health.
The assumption that all pregnant women--or all women--want to lose weight or want to minimize weight gain is sexist and fatphobic. It treats thinness as innately superior. I've got no beef with being healthy, but if your only justification for telling me not to gain weight is that if I gain weight I'll, well, gain weight, then you need to stop speaking.
It Is Impossible to Judge Health Based on Weight
Don't believe me? Check out this study, which says that 29% of obese Americans are perfectly healthy, including 16% of those deemed "severely obese." When I gained 20 pounds, I got pregnant right away, suggesting that being underweight is every bit as problematic as being overweight. No one concern-trolled me about the dangers of thinness, though. Instead, I received near-constant adulation from everyone in my life. Even most doctors congratulated me on my "healthy lifestyle," though I lived on Cheetos and was clearly underweight.
This tells me that our fixation on weight isn't just about health. It's about living up to an idealized image of womanhood. And if you live up to that image, even if it makes you unhealthy, most doctors seem totally fine with it.
Pregnant Women's Bodies Are Not Public Exhibits Up for Public Discussion
My decision to get pregnant does not mean I have given up my right to privacy. I'm the same person. I have the same values. It's just that I'm carrying someone else with me.
Imagine telling your overweight cousin she's fat, or suggesting that your chubby best friend is going to struggle to lose weight. For normal people, it's unthinkable. I did not turn myself into a calf up for auction when I started carrying a tiny human around in my womb. My body is not public property. The problem is that we, as a society, have a strong desire to control pregnant women. Witness the fact that most people who oppose birth control are men. Commenting on pregnant women's weight is just one of many ways we treat them like public property. So if you comment on my weight, expect me to freely comment on yours.
No Woman Deserves to Be Torn Down, Regardless of Weight
It doesn't matter if a pregnant woman you know gains 100 pounds, lives on McDonald's and is chronically obese. It does not matter if you have her blood work in hand and know she is unhealthy. No human being deserves to be torn down because of her physical appearance. Besides, it's not like it's news to large people that they're, well, large. It's not like fat destroys vision. They have mirrors. You're pointing out the obvious, and the only effect is to hurt another human being. That's never justified.
We Don't Force Men to Discuss Their Penises, Their Hormones, or Their Hair Loss
I've heard a million excuses justifying our collective desire to comment on women's bodies. We're concerned about their health. We "can't resist." Pregnant bellies are "so cute." It's our job to protect the baby.
Thing is, men parent children, too. Their decisions matter, too. But no one ever approaches a man and says, "Hey, that beer you're drinking? Means you're more likely to abuse your wife or unborn child, so you need to stop or you're a bad father."
We don't tell men they're crazy because of their hormones, even though--shocker!--men have hormones too. We don't point out their pot bellies because we're "concerned about their health." So I'm not buying the notion that making women's bodies the subject of public discussion and ridicule is about health or child welfare. It's just another attempt to control and demean women.
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