Pregnancy Etiquette Rules Every Pregnant Woman Wishes You Knew

Procreation is arguably the most important thing we do. Parents' decisions shape the future and shift the direction of our society, so it's understandable that so many people are interested in others' pregnancies. There's no shame in telling a pregnant woman that she's glowing, offering to bring her food, or dropping off a few baby gifts. Sadly, many people show their interest in pregnant women by offering judgment, stereotypes, and a hefty dose of condescension. 

We intuitively know that it's unkind to comment on someone's weight or ask about her sex life, but this common sense seems to disintegrate in the presence of pregnant women. A woman's decision to become pregnant does not mean that she is now public property, nor that she desires an onslaught of commentary from people she does not know. 

It doesn't matter if you're a doctor, if you've been pregnant before, or if the woman in question is your sister or best friend. Every woman deserves a zone of privacy and respect encircling her most personal and sacred of choices. Pregnancy is, for many women, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Don't ruin it by adding your voice to the chorus of people who make pregnant women feel guilty and ashamed.

Never Assume a Woman is Pregnant 

I don't care if she's squirting breast milk across the room and her water breaks in front of you. No good can come from asking a woman if she is pregnant. At best, you're forcing a woman who is not yet ready to share her pregnancy to open up about an intensely personal experience. Maybe she has a history of miscarriages, is giving the baby up for adoption, became pregnant as the result of a rape, or just doesn't feel comfortable sharing yet. That is her choice to make, not yours. 

At worst? You've just called a woman fat, and made an enemy for life. Most women continue to look pregnant for a while after giving birth. A host of medical conditions can cause the midsection to expand, and some women carry excess weight around their bellies. No one has the right to subject another person's body to judgment. 

Don't Touch a Pregnant Woman's Stomach Without Permission
Would you grab another person's baby without permission? What about walking up to a stranger and rubbing him? Of course not, even though that's exactly what you're doing when you touch a pregnant woman without her permission.

A woman's pregnancy does not eliminate her bodily autonomy, yet most pregnant women report that strangers routinely touch them. If you insist on grabbing pregnant women, then you might find yourself at the receiving end of a self-defense maneuver. Save yourself the trouble and respect that pregnant women do not want strangers touching them.

No One Wants to Hear Your Birth Horror Story
Childbirth is a transformative experience that etches itself into the memories of all who experience or witness it. I understand how a woman's pregnancy can trigger memories of your own, but pregnant women face enough anxiety: Zika, miscarriage, pre-eclampsia, birth defects, an ever-expanding list of foods not to eat, financial stress, concerns about being a mother. Don't add your birth horror story to the list of anxieties swirling in the mind of a pregnant woman.

Pregnant Women Are Not Accountable to You for Their Decisions 
Sure, you're interested in why your sister is co-sleeping or your friend wants to breastfeed for two years. Those decisions are fascinating. Here's the problem: everyone else is interested, too. If I answered every "Why?" I get from acquaintances and family, I would have to quit working, bathing, and functioning. Don't make the pregnant woman in your life defend her choices. If you're truly itching to know, ask during a low-stress time, but make it clear that you're interested in learning, not judging.

Pregnant Women Are Not 'Fat'
I'm barely into my second trimester, and already people are calling me fat. This is sexist and harmful. Most folks have the good sense not to comment on strangers' weight, but pregnancy seems to induce a sort of collective psychosis that sends common sense packing. No good will ever come from telling a pregnant woman she's chubby, telling her she's "about to pop," asserting that she must be carrying twins, or complimenting her on the fact that she's not yet showing. She doesn't need you to make her feel bad about herself; our entire culture is already dedicated to that goal. Keep your comments to yourself.

Other People's Fertility Decisions Are Not Your Business 
Don't ask a married couple when they are going to have children. Maybe the woman is currently having a miscarriage. Maybe they can't get pregnant. Maybe they don't want kids and don't want to have to yet again defend that choice. No matter where a couple is on their fertility journey, asking about it will only cause pain. Remember that you're essentially asking whether and how frequently they're having sex, which is never anyone's business. Other things that are not your business:

• Whether the baby was conceived with fertility drugs;
• Whether the couple wanted to get pregnant; 
• How and with whom the couple will be giving birth

You Don't Have a Right to Information About Other People's Lives
One of the strangest things that happened when I shared my pregnancy is that a number of people were angry that I hadn't told them sooner. Couples keep their pregnancy a secret for any number of reasons: a history of miscarriage or infertility, a desire to avoid judgment, or simply enjoying having a delightful secret. You do not have a right to information about other people's lives. Offer joy and warm wishes, no matter when you learn of the pregnancy.

Keep Your Comments Positive and Your Opinions Quiet 
Don't like that your sister-in-law is having a home birth? Think extended breastfeeding is weird? Think your friend should not drink a single glass of wine? That's fine. We're all entitled to our opinions. Odds are good, though, that these same people disapprove of at least one of your choices. Pregnancy does not authorize you to lambaste another person, expect her to conform to your standards for acceptable behavior, or put her choices on trial. Keep your opinions to yourself unless they are positive. It's really not hard. Just try it:

• "That's so cool! I've never heard of that!"
• "You're going to be so awesome at this."
• "That baby is so lucky to have parents who think about these things."
• "I'm just so excited for you."

Pregnancy is Not a Sexism License 
My husband I both have successful, thriving careers. It's hard to be close to us without hearing one of us gush about a new project. This has not deterred people from asking me if I intend to keep working. Not one person has asked Jeff; it's just assumed that his job is more important, and that my most sacred calling is as a mother. Worse still, some people tell me that I'll "change my mind" when the baby is here. It's as if they think pregnancy will fundamentally alter my ability to make decisions, or that when my child arrives, I will lose all sense of who I am and be able to derive my entire identity from a newborn. That sounds like an excellent recipe for quality parenting.

Of course, if I did decide to stay at home, then I'd be subjected to commentary about how easy I'll have it and how lucky I am to have a husband who "works." You know, because stay-at-home motherhood is super easy. Never mind the fact that stay-at-home dads are practically canonized.

There's no winning. No matter what choices a pregnant woman makes, she can count on an onslaught of sexist comments. Debates about working are just the beginning. I get many other treats, too:

• Demands that I reveal the sex of my child so that other people can start projecting their gender stereotypes onto him or her;
• Comments about how my marriage will never be the same now that I'm a "nagging mother";
• The presumption that my husband is uninterested in the pregnancy 

Sexism is sexism whether a woman is pregnant or not. Keep the gendered assumptions to yourself. 

Offer Confidence and Reassurance, Not Condescension 

Is it possible that I will change my thoroughly researched decision not to get an epidural based on an emotional whim? Or that the challenge of cracked nipples will cause me to give up on breastfeeding? Or that I'll decide to buy a crib and put my baby in a nursery instead of a bassinet? I guess. People do change their minds, but most people stick with well-thought-out and heavily researched plans once they've made them. 

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind, of course. There is also no reason to endlessly argue with someone about whether she will indeed change her mind. It's condescending to tell a pregnant woman she can't survive without an epidural. It's mean-spirited to refuse to acknowledge her opinions and plans for her body and her pregnancy. Maybe you think she can't stick to them. Sharing that opinion is equivalent to telling her she is weak, flighty, and incapable of making an informed decision. Offer support and confidence in her decision, even if it's not the one you would make for yourself. If you can't, then just stay quiet. 

If You Want to be Involved, Reach Out 

If you want to be involved in a woman's pregnancy, don't wait for her to reach out to you. She has enough on her mind. Offer help. Take her a meal. Ask about her registry. A prohibition on rude comments doesn't mean you can't be involved. Instead, it opens the door to meaningful relationships built upon an ethic of compassion, not a norm of judgment.