A Surprising Source of Sexist Oppression Against Mothers: Feminist Social Justice Activists

I have a casual acquaintance who likes to tell mothers they're "monsters" for gendering their children. Another acquaintance enjoys attacking mothers on Facebook for putting their children in gendered clothes. These people truly believe they are making the world a better place. They're both childless--as are most feminist activists who think it's appropriate to correct the "sexist" behavior of mothers.

I understand where they're coming from. The notion that any specific personality trait necessarily flows from gender or sex is the source of much oppression. We'd all be better of if we did away with gender socialization. There's tons of evidence that there is no benefit to gendered clothing, and that these clothes reinforce damaging, limiting gender norms in both boys and girls.

Attacking mothers, though, serves no purpose except to increase the misogynist onslaught most mothers face on a daily basis. Ultimately, corrections from well-meaning feminist activists only instruct mothers that they're incompetent. Remember, mothers, no matter what you're doing, you're doing it wrong.

Women get attacked on all sides. Embrace genderless parenting and 20 conservative family members will be thrilled to lambaste you. Put your daughter in a frilly dress and you're a traitor to the feminist cause.

Feminists should know better, particularly given what feminism teaches us about women's right to control their own lives, to make their own decisions, and to not be constantly subject to public scrutiny solely because they dared to leave their homes.

Here's why self-identified social justice warriors need to think twice before judging mothers.

Thanks for the Parenting Advice, Asshole

Dear Self-Appointed Expert on My Child and My Parenting:

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me I'm doing parenting wrong! Few things bring me greater joy in life than when people assume my parenting jokes are the literal truth/treat the tiny slice of my parenting they see as the sum total of all that happens in my house/convince themselves that I am so stupid that I have never, not once, bothered to spend even a second of my time researching parenting issues.

Why Mothers Need to be Included in Social Justice Movements, and How to Do It

More than 80 percent of women eventually become mothers. Research consistently shows that motherhood escalates inequality between men and women. For many women, this escalating inequality, coupled with the need to forge a brighter future for their children, is radicalizing. This is especially true now that we have a misogynistic, racist, sexual predator for our president. As groups organize to fight back against Donald Trump, they must remember that mothers have a significant investment in securing a brighter, freer, more feminist future for their children. When people are fighting for their children, they fight harder.

Mothers want to participate in social justice movements. Because they're raising the next generation of activists, their contribution is invaluable. If your movement excludes mothers, you are excluding the majority of women. Mothers make up a larger segment of the population than almost any other group. So if you can't bring yourself to care about including mothers, it's time to examine your internalized misogyny.

I've written in more detail about the exclusion of mothers from social justice movements here. So if you think you're being radical or something by excluding moms, I strongly encourage you to read that piece before going any further.

What can social justice movements do to include mothers? Plenty.

Hope in Dark Times: What We Can Do to Fight Trump, Cope With Our Grief, and Protect the Oppressed

I took most of Election Day off. I wanted to spend the day with my daughter, so I could one day tell her about how we voted for the first woman president together. I read her Elizabeth Cady Stanton's Seneca Falls Convention keynote speech. I dressed her in the baby version of a pantsuit, with a onesie instructing us to "Destroy Patriarchy."

When we voted, I put her hand on the machine to cast the ballot. I cried. The sweet old woman overseeing the polling place gave me a sticker for both of us. I cried again. On our walk to our car, a young African-American man congratulated us. I thought about congratulating my black friends eight years ago in 2008. I thought about my black foster brother crying when Obama was elected, thought about the slow and halting march toward justice, and cried again.

We Need to Stop Blaming Postpartum Depression on Women's Hormones

Three weeks after I had my daughter, a friend was stunned to learn that I had not yet returned to work, and that Athena was not even close to sleeping through the night. A week later, another friend was shocked when I told her I hadn't yet lost all the baby weight. "But you're so thin, and you were in such good shape before you got pregnant!" she exclaimed. Clearly neither of these women had children.

Veteran mothers may laugh at this ignorance of postpartum life, but it speaks volumes about the lessons our society teaches--and fails to teach--about what it's really like to become a mother. One of the biggest lies our culture spreads is that postpartum depression is just one more example of women's crazy hormones making them, well, crazy. Just as PMS and "pregnancy hormones" allow us to simplify and dismiss women's emotions, the idea that postpartum depression is entirely hormonal allows us to ignore the cultural factors that make postpartum life so difficult.

I'm lucky enough to have had an easy postpartum recovery. I haven't struggled with serious health problems or pospartum depression. Nevertheless, my postpartum experience has helped me understand why the story is so different for many other women. Perhaps even more telling, my "easy" recovery might sound like an utter nightmare to someone who has never had a child.

What Does Child Labor Feel Like?

Childbirth is shrouded in secrecy, so questions about what labor really feels like often go unanswered. We all know that it hurts like hell, but only those who have gone through it really know what that even means. And much of what happens during birth--vomiting, confronting your own mortality, losing bladder control--is taboo to discuss. So women enter into one of the most intense experiences of their life unprepared and frightened.

When I told everyone I wanted to have a natural birth, people were adamant that I couldn't do it. They were equally insistent that birth on my terms--no hospital gown, basic respect for my wishes, a quiet and peaceful room--was impossible, and that expecting otherwise meant I was naive and spoiled.

They were wrong. So if you're here because you're considering a natural birth, know that you can do it. Child labor is painful, but it's not the horror many people want you to believe it is. That's especially true if you have a supportive care team (and if you don't, you need to fire your doctor or midwife yesterday).

I spent my entire pregnancy Googling what childbirth feels like, and the answers I got were unsatisfactory. Every woman is different. Every birth is different, and we all perceive pain differently. No one can give anyone else a fully reliable picture of childbirth, since most of us only give birth a few times. But if women know what to expect, they may be better equipped to cope. And no woman deserves to enter motherhood terrified and intimidated. So here, in as much detail as I can manage, is what labor felt like for me. If you want to get a more general idea of what to expect from childbirth, you might be better off reading my birth story.

The Sexist Assumptions Inherent in Unsolicited Parenting Advice: Don't Worry, Moms, Everything You Do is Still Wrong.

Before I became a mother, I thought of motherhood as a politically neutral status. Now that I have a child, I'm stunned to see how politicized the simple act of parenting a child is. Almost every time I post anything about my child on Facebook, someone comes along to shame me. They're often quite aggressive--from mocking my comments about my child to accusing me of being a child abuser because of my parenting choices. In one particularly hilarious and disheartening episode, I posted a complaint to Facebook about unsolicited parenting advice, especially that which comes from men. The first response I received from a man was--you guessed it--unsolicited parenting advice.

It's important, you see, to remind women that no matter what they do, it's wrong.