A Surprising Source of Sexist Oppression Against Mothers: Feminist Social Justice Activists

I have a casual acquaintance who likes to tell mothers they're "monsters" for gendering their children. Another acquaintance enjoys attacking mothers on Facebook for putting their children in gendered clothes. These people truly believe they are making the world a better place. They're both childless--as are most feminist activists who think it's appropriate to correct the "sexist" behavior of mothers.

I understand where they're coming from. The notion that any specific personality trait necessarily flows from gender or sex is the source of much oppression. We'd all be better of if we did away with gender socialization. There's tons of evidence that there is no benefit to gendered clothing, and that these clothes reinforce damaging, limiting gender norms in both boys and girls.

Attacking mothers, though, serves no purpose except to increase the misogynist onslaught most mothers face on a daily basis. Ultimately, corrections from well-meaning feminist activists only instruct mothers that they're incompetent. Remember, mothers, no matter what you're doing, you're doing it wrong.

Women get attacked on all sides. Embrace genderless parenting and 20 conservative family members will be thrilled to lambaste you. Put your daughter in a frilly dress and you're a traitor to the feminist cause.

Feminists should know better, particularly given what feminism teaches us about women's right to control their own lives, to make their own decisions, and to not be constantly subject to public scrutiny solely because they dared to leave their homes.

Here's why self-identified social justice warriors need to think twice before judging mothers.

The Practical Realities of Motherhood in a Sexist Society 
Sexism constrains women's choices. That includes their parenting choices. If sexism were simply a matter of making better choices, we'd call it something different. But we don't, because sexism limits or removes a wide range of choices. 

That includes the choice to parent in a fully feminist fashion. Some forms of feminist parenting are totally impossible in our society. Others are extremely difficult, or available only to the most privileged. Gender-neutral clothing, for instance, is more expensive than gendered clothing. Using only gender neutral clothing not only requires more money; it also requires people to reject the genderd clothing they receive as gifts. That's like throwing money away, and virtually impossible for anyone but the most economically privileged parents.

That's just one among many, many examples. Consider some other ways society limits mothers' choices:

• Even in the best circumstances, motherhood is extremely time-consuming. Most women don't parent in the best circumstances. Their partners don't do their fair share, are absent, or abusive. They don't have adequate maternity leave, or enough money, or hours that lend themselves to leisurely, creative parenting. Every feminist choice a mother makes is a sort of time tax. She must educate herself about the issue, educate herself about the options, then doggedly pursue those options in the face of a society that has committed itself to tearing mothers down. 
• Society is not set up to accommodate the more extreme forms of feminist parenting. A child raised without gender may face rejection, as will that child's mother. To accomplish this feat, a mother must dedicate herself full-time to the task of guarding her child's gender-free status. This is an option only available to the most privileged parents. It's not realistic. 

Patriarchal Motherhood: The Demand That Mothers Be Perfect
Patriarchal motherhood demands that mothers be perfect. Perfection is impossible both because motherhood is extremely difficult and because no one can agree what perfection actually looks like. So no matter what a mother does, she will be subject to an onslaught of judgment. On a near-daily basis, people criticize my parenting. In a sexist society that instructs women that their most important role is as mothers, such criticism is extremely painful. I have to actively work to not allow criticism to damage my self-esteem. So too do most other mothers.

When you criticize mothers who are doing the best they can, you're not offering some singularly unique insight. You're certainly not educating them. You're adding your voice to the cacophony of voices instructing women that they don't know how to mother their own children. You're telling a mother you know better than she does what's best for her child.

Perhaps most importantly, you're supporting the notion that parenting is really women's job. Because I've never seen a dad be criticized for reifying gender norms or dressing his daughter in a frilly dress. People who criticize mothers for not being feminist enough might think they're being edgy or proving their feminist bona fides. They're just subjecting mothers to more abuse and more sexism.

Do You Really Know What You're Talking About?
Even if we disregard the incredible sexism inherent in telling mothers they're not feminist enough (and in correcting mothers more generally), let's consider something else: when you scold a mother, you have no idea what you're talking about.

Most unsolicited parenting advice I get is based neither on research nor experience, but on an obsessive purism that derides all other parenting philosophies. If your philosophy suggests that what the majority of women are doing is wrong and worthy of derision, you're already treading dangerously close to overt misogyny.

There's also the nasty little assumptions embedded in most parenting advice. Consider the friend who gets angry about gendered clothes. She evidently does not realize that clothing is expensive and people sometimes give gendered clothing as gifts. Moreover, who's to say the child isn't in clothes of another gender on another day? When you criticize something you see a parent do, you are criticizing their parenting based on a thin sliver of evidence. What about all that you don't see?

Want to Be a Real Ally? Support Mothers 
If you really want to fight sexism and create a more just society, the recipe is pretty simple:

1. Don't alienate mothers, who comprise the majority of women.
2. Don't be the parental equivalent of a mansplainer, eagerly jumping in to tell women that they're doing it wrong and that you--the one who does not know the woman's child and who has not walked in her shoes--know better.
3. Ask what you can do to help. Hint: Telling a mom she has dressed her child in the wrong outfit/used the wrong pronoun/read the wrong book is not helpful. Baby-sitting, offering encouragement, or just butting out might be.

True fact: No one has ever responded to a condescending asshole with, "Why thank you so much for telling me I'm getting parenting wrong! Now that you, great stranger, have corrected me, I will happily change everything JUST SO I CAN PLEASE YOU."