What is Patriarchal Motherhood?

When I refer to patriarchal motherhood, I'm referencing two distinct phenomena:

• The sexism women face as mothers; and 
• The unchecked assumptions associated with being a mother in a patriarchal society. 

So what is patriarchal motherhood? It's like the air we breathe: omnipresent, and so taken for granted that it goes largely unnoticed. 

The Sexism Mothers Face 

Women's exposure to sexism varies. Some women face near-constant sexual harassment, while others experience none or almost none. The same is true for mothers. However, becoming a mother opens a woman up to a host of new sexist experiences. Here's a brief sampling:

• Doctors routinely perform a variety of medical procedures on women without their consent during pregnancy. That includes many procedures that are unnecessary, dangerous, and permanently mutilating. 
• Inequality in relationships. Most research shows that gender inequality in marriages and other romantic relationships escalates dramatically after the birth of a baby. 
• The state has greater control over the lives of mothers. They can intervene to take women's children in a variety of circumstances, including those which have nothing to do with a child's well-being. A woman who smokes marijuana during pregnancy, for instance, might have her child confiscated even when the child suffers no ill effects, even if the marijuana is medically indicated, and even if she is a highly competent mother. 
• Mothers face a much larger wage gap than non-mothers, even when they work in similar jobs and have similar skill levels. 
• Mothers face a constant onslaught of judgment, advice, and intrusive comments from strangers. It's completely socially acceptable to grab the bodies of pregnant women. 
• Mothers and pregnant women are more likely to experience domestic violence. Domestic violence tends to get worse during pregnancy, and sometimes begins for the first time when a woman is pregnant. Homicide is the leading cause of death in pregnant women. 

Unchecked Patriarchal Assumptions About Motherhood

Not all patriarchal assumptions about motherhood are bad or wrong. The problem is that the weight of the parenting burden falls almost exclusively to mothers, and that our society offers them little support and no compensation for their trouble. Children have a right, for example, to a safe and healthy childhood, but to assume that this right is the responsibility of mothers--and mothers alone--is sexist. 

Some of the many assumptions woven into patriarchal motherhood include:

• The belief that mom is the default parent. It's nice if dad helps out, but a dad who doesn't raise his child or who doesn't know how to care for his child isn't a monster. A mother is. 
• The belief that mothers should prioritize their children above all else. 
• The idea that there is only one correct way to mother, or that it is possible to always mother "correctly." 
• The belief that mothers are too incompetent to figure out motherhood on their own, and therefore must be told what to do by experts, by random strangers, and by men. 
• The assumption that growing up necessarily demands independence from the mother. 
• The notion that a mother's convenience shouldn't matter. Women must breastfeed, for example, even if it is inconvenient to them to do so.
• The idea that mothers are defined by their status as mothers. 
• The belief that being a bad mother is the worst, or one of the worst, things a mother can be. 
• The demand that all mothers strive for perfection.