Things White People Need to Stop Saying: 10 Simple Rules for White Liberals Discussing Racism

Until recently, almost no one openly endorsed neo-Nazi sentiments. The election of white supremacist Donald Trump changed that. Now we have to be sensitive to white supremacist feelings by calling these monsters members of the "alt-right." That's scary enough. Here's what's even scarier: it's given white liberals a free pass.

Now that racism is so visibly associated with the vocal belief that people of color are inferior and a willingness to kill them, many white liberals can pat themselves on the back. "We're not racist!" they gleefully proclaim. "Look at those neanderthal Trump supporters and their torches. I've never burned a torch or run over a black person. I even have a black friend! I can't possibly be racist."

I've spent much of my life trying to engage with people who think this way, so they can understand how their more palatable and muted form of racism enables more aggressive forms of white supremacy. In the wake of the Trump presidency, these smug white liberals have become a lot more certain they're not racist. Meanwhile, their brethren of color grow ever more desperate. I've watched dozens of social justice groups disintegrate as people of color clamor to be heard, white people silence them, and racism becomes more and more pervasive.

Then the white liberal racists insist that the divisiveness is the fault of people of color. If they would just be quiet, we could defeat real racism.

White people: the only way we can defeat real racism is for smug white liberals to admit to their own racism, fix it, and then unite with people of color to end this plague once and for all. For that to happen, we need to change the way we talk and think about race.

Here are 10 simple rules that can move the conversation forward. They won't protect you from call-outs or uncomfortable conversations. They shouldn't. Those conversations need to happen. These rules can, however, prevent you from saying something profoundly damaging to a person of color.

The Politicization of Sleeping: Just One More Way to Blame Moms for Everything

When I was pregnant, I swore I would never share a bed with my baby. We planned to have her in our room for at least a year, as the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends, and to then make a final decision about her sleeping location.

We're science people. We knew that sleeping in the same bed as our baby increased her risk for SIDS. So we were bound and determined to find another way.

That is, until we went weeks without sleep, realized the science isn't as straightforward as it seems, and gained a healthy appreciation of how politicized all parenting decisions are.

I Made a Person. I Also Do Everything Else Men Can Do. Tell Me How That Makes Women Inferior.

*Note: I originally published this piece on Daily Kos at the urging of a client. 

I had a baby 11 months ago. There’s nothing terribly impressive about that. After all, women have babies every day. And we live in a society in which, if women do something men can’t, we treat it as unremarkable. Birth is unimpressive, but scoring two points higher on a spatial reasoning test? Now that is amazing! 

It’s this sort of ridiculous reasoning that enables us to accept, with a straight face, that men are in some way superior to, stronger than, or smarter than women. I’m tired of it. So I have a question for the men who continue to argue that women aren’t destined for careers or are too emotional or whatever the sexist argument is this week: I made a person. I did it while doing everything men do. How does that make me inferior?

Bodily Autonomy Protects Kids From Sexual Abuse: Here's How to Teach It

Every year, more than 60,000 cases of child sex abuse are reported--and that accounts for only a third of the total estimated cases. It's no wonder we parents are so paranoid about strangers, sexualization, and the way people perceive our children's clothing.

The problem is that we parents often allow our emotions to trump our reason. We whip ourselves into a frenzy about strangers, when research tells us that 90% of children are abused by people they know. Teaching children about stranger danger won't work. Instead, children need early and frequent lessons in bodily autonomy. Here's what we're doing to protect our daughter from sexual abuse.

Feminism Has an Ageism Problem

At 34, I'm still a year shy of no longer being considered a "young adult" in demographic polls. And yet I'm already experiencing a shift. I find that I have to spend a lot more time working to be relevant. As a writer, my paycheck depends on it. The death knell for my coolness finally sounded a few weeks ago, when I had to look up what the young people mean when they say they're doing or thinking something "low key."

It's happened. I am no longer young and cool (though, to be fair, I have never been cool). On top of that, I'm a mom. That's a double dose of irrelevance as far as young people are concerned. I'm not bothered by this. We all have to get old. I'd rather get old than get dead. Lately, though, I find myself wishing that young feminists would stop treating me like I'm already dead.

We need to talk about feminism's ageism problem.

It's Anti-Feminist to Shame the Parents in the Video of Kids Crashing the BBC Interview

Earlier this week, a hilarious video of two kids crashing their dad's BBC interview began making the rounds on my Facebook. Since Jeff and I both often work from home--often without childcare--it seemed like a window into our future. Being interrupted by children on live TV is probably near the top of every working parent's list of worst nightmares. We both found comfort in the sympathy most people seemed to feel for the two parents in the video.

The sympathy and amusement didn't last long. Within a day or two, people in my newsfeed started calling the video sexist. New Statesman published a ridiculous article calling the video "patriarchy in a nutshell." Because apparently all feminists have time to do is criticize other women and their parenting.

Before You Meet the New Baby: 10 Tips for Visiting New Parents

I love babies. When my friends have babies, I have to take deep breaths to calm myself before I meet the adorable little human larva. I understand the inclination to rush right over when a loved one has a baby. It comes from a place of compassion and humanity, and when dealing with harried, exhausted, struggling new parents, rushing right over can be a blessing.

Visit under the wrong circumstances, though, and you'll be lucky if the new parents invite you back.
No two families are alike, so defer to what your friends tell you. Not sure how to be a useful visitor? Follow these guidelines.

If you want to know a little bit more about newborns and what new parents are likely experiencing, click here.