I love babies. When my friends have babies, I have to take deep breaths to calm myself before I meet the adorable little human larva. I understand the inclination to rush right over when a loved one has a baby. It comes from a place of compassion and humanity, and when dealing with harried, exhausted, struggling new parents, rushing right over can be a blessing.
Visit under the wrong circumstances, though, and you'll be lucky if the new parents invite you back.
No two families are alike, so defer to what your friends tell you. Not sure how to be a useful visitor? Follow these guidelines.
If you want to know a little bit more about newborns and what new parents are likely experiencing, click here.
First Things First: It's Not About You
Articles about how best to support new parents are pretty prevalent on Facebook. I always see at least one or two comments remarking that people are too easily offended, and that parents should just be grateful to get visitors. If this is your attitude, you have no place visiting a new parent. Parenthood is hard--perhaps harder than it has ever been--and the standards to which we hold parents, especially mothers, are completely unreasonable.
I know, I know. It's not fair to give a list of demands! New parents are so selfish! If this is what you have to do, then you won't visit at all! Quit the bellyaching. Visiting a new family is a privilege. Exhausted parents should not have to entertain and cater to you. If you don't care about being a good guest, then you don't belong anywhere near a newborn.
Be Understanding About Holding the Baby
Every new parent is different. Some can't wait to get a break from constant baby-holding. Others are antsy about letting a new person hold the baby. Go with the flow. Don't expect that you'll be allowed to hold the baby, and always ask before touching the little tyke. If the baby begins to cry, ask mom or dad if you should give the baby back, since watching a new baby cry is stressful for new parents, not to mention for the baby.
Bring Food
You're not a bad guest if you don't bring food, but you're certainly more likely to get an invite back if you do. Bring meals that require no special preparation, that are safe to eat while breastfeeding, and that cater to the parents' tastes, even if those tastes aren't your own. Simple actions like feeding yourself can become tough with a newborn, but good nutrition is vital for continued breastfeeding, energy to wake up at night, and not crashing into a starvation-induced depression.
Don't Show Up Sick
I don't care if it's "just a cold." I don't care how badly you want to see the baby. If you expose my newborn to life-threatening infections (respiratory infections are a leading killer of newborns, since babies have weak immune systems) I will kill you. Stay home if you have the sniffles, the sneezes, or any hint at all that you might be sick.
Don't Stay Too Long
There's some wiggle room here. If your friend asks to to stay for a while, seems desperate for human contact, or is obviously falling apart, then there's no such thing as staying too long. And the closer you are to the person, the more likely it is that a long stay will be welcomed. But new motherhood is an intensely trying time filled with unfortunate bodily functions, exhaustion, and a desperate need for privacy. Stay for a quick chat, then get out. The new family needs time to bond, and the new mother probably has to go squirt herself with her perineal irrigator or sit in a sitz bath.
Be Positive
Practice it now: The baby is perfect; the mother's approach to birth was heroic; the name is beautiful, and the new mom looks great. Parenthood is one of the most important undertakings in which humans engage. So when you insult someone's parenting or child, you are cutting to the heart of who they are. The transition to new parenthood is a trying time during which people often doubt themselves, so adding to the doubt only makes life worse--and may contribute to any nascent postpartum depression the mom is experiencing. If you embrace that sort of meanness, then why the hell do you want to spend time with the new parents at all?
Focus On the Baby
To you, your friend's new baby might just be a blip on the radar. But to your friend, this is the most life-altering event imaginable--and the cutest human who has ever existed. Focus on the baby. Compliment the baby. Ask questions about the baby. Now is not the time to talk about your love life or problems, unless your friend makes it clear that they want a distraction.
Your friend may need help processing the birth or venting about breastfeeding. These are objectively challenging experiences. By acting as a sounding board, you can help your friend work through challenging emotions, potentially preventing a severe postpartum crash.
Offer Help
Parenthood is exhausting. For the past month, I've woken up 5-6 times per night for 30-60 minutes at a time because my daughter is going through a sleep regression. I'm doing this while working full-time and trying to remain a functional human. So don't expect a visit to a family with a new baby to be a chance to be entertained and spoiled. The parents need help. If you can't offer that, ask yourself why you want to visit.
Put away a load of laundry. Clean up the dishes. Bring a meal. Contribute something. If you care enough to visit, you care enough to make life a little better.
Clean Up After Yourself
If you leave a mess behind for new parents to clean up, you won't be welcomed back. Scraping off your dish and throwing away trash is incredibly easy--unless you're an exhaustion-addled new parent.
Respect the Family's Privacy
Not everyone wants to nurse in front of visitors, or take a nap while you watch the baby. Don't assume that just because there's a new baby, normal social conventions will disappear. Ask ahead of time what you can do to be helpful, when is the best time to come, and whether mom feels comfortable nursing in front of an audience.
Don't Wake up the Baby
When my baby came home from the hospital, every nap was a gift from the heavens. I was operating on two hours of 15-minute bursts of sleep each night, so even a short nap was vital to my well-being. So I was shocked when people insisted upon showing up during her naptime, and then demanding that I wake her.
Nope.
If you want to see the baby, be prepared to be flexible with arrival times. Otherwise, wake the baby and risk your life.
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