Bodily Autonomy Protects Kids From Sexual Abuse: Here's How to Teach It

Every year, more than 60,000 cases of child sex abuse are reported--and that accounts for only a third of the total estimated cases. It's no wonder we parents are so paranoid about strangers, sexualization, and the way people perceive our children's clothing.

The problem is that we parents often allow our emotions to trump our reason. We whip ourselves into a frenzy about strangers, when research tells us that 90% of children are abused by people they know. Teaching children about stranger danger won't work. Instead, children need early and frequent lessons in bodily autonomy. Here's what we're doing to protect our daughter from sexual abuse.




Bodily Autonomy: Why it Matters 
Each of us only gets one body. We carry with us what happens to this shell for the rest of our lives. That's what makes physical child abuse so harmful. Kids who are sexually or physically abused learn that their bodies don't belong to them. So it's not the physical scars that sting the most; it's the emotional ones.

Most kids grow up in a society that tells them they don't own their own bodies. They have to submit to unwanted contact from parents who hit them, doctors who hurt them, and caregivers who bully them. When children learn that they don't own their bodies, it becomes extremely difficult for them to distinguish between permissible violations and impermissible ones. After all, it hurts when mom spanks them. A child can't be expected to understand that this is different from a relative molesting them, particularly when their parents teach them to submit to adult authority.

The lesson most kids get is something like this:

• Avoid strangers, because they're possibly dangerous. 
• Strangers like police officers and firemen don't count. Santa might be ok, along with anyone else your parents say is ok. Other adults also might have the right to tell you who is safe. 
• Adults aren't supposed to touch your private parts.
• Parents and doctors can touch your private parts when they're bathing you or tending to your medical needs. 
• Sometimes other adults who are caring for you can touch your private parts, too. 
• Adults shouldn't hurt you. 
• Sometimes adults can hurt you when they're disciplining you. 

It's a confusing list of lessons that few kids can understand. It makes it nearly impossible for a child to discern who can touch them and when. It doesn't help kids understand that even people on the list of good guys--mom, dad, an aunt or uncle, an abusive coach--can be dangerous. And since most abusers are known to children, and are by definition on the list of good guys, we might as well teach them nothing at all. 

We are teaching our daughter that she owns her body. She gets to decide who touches it and how. That means she can recognize a bad touch no matter who it comes from, and whether or not it hurts. It's a simple enough lesson: if someone touches you without your permission, tell your parents. You own your body.

Teaching bodily autonomy helps children easily understand who can and can't touch them. If an adult abuses them, a child who understands bodily autonomy is more likely to recognize it as abuse. A child is more likely to report that abuse to a parent who acknowledges that child's right to bodily autonomy.

Five Rules for Bodily Autonomy
Every family has to decide for themselves what bodily autonomy means. Every family may face different dilemmas as they navigate the demands of bodily autonomy. A few simple rules can guide parents' decisions:

Your needs and feelings matter
We've collectively accepted a bizarre set of beliefs about children. We hold them to a higher behavioral standard than we hold ourselves by punishing them for "whining" or expressing their opinions. We expect them to face stressful, scary circumstances while hungry or tired without complaint. We leave helpless newborns in cribs to "cry it out," when we would never ignore the cries of a much more self-sufficient adult.

Over time, this teaches children that their feelings and needs don't matter. No wonder so many of us grow into adults who feel uncomfortable talking about our feelings, or guilty for having needs. Is it any surprise so many adults struggle to say no, or that people who have survived abuse feel ashamed not of their abusers, but of themselves?

Being little does not make our daughter less important. We don't mock her feelings, or ignore her cries. Being little only means that she is little. She's less experienced at navigating the trials and tribulations of life as a human being. That means she deserves more help, more consideration, more patience. Not less.

We believe that by teaching her that she matters, we help her to never doubt herself--particularly when a voice inside her head tells her someone is dangerous. And by dedicating years to showing her that we care about her feelings, we hope we'll also teach her that she can come to use with anything, especially if she's scared of someone or someone is mistreating her.

How does a child whose parents mock their cries expect that parent to react when they report abuse?
What does a child whose family systematically ignores their feelings learn about trusting their gut?

Your body is your own, and doesn't exist to entertain others
We have to make decisions about medical care, nutrition, and other issues until Athena's old enough to make these decisions herself. In the meantime, we avoid making any decisions she can't undo. Had she been born a boy, we wouldn't have circumcised her. We're not piercing her ears, and we would never consider any surgeries that altered her appearance unless they were necessary to keep her healthy (the commitment to avoiding aesthetic surgeries might seem an odd one, but Google the history of intersex surgeries, and you'll see why it's not).

Our daughter's body is the shell that carries her around this world. Nothing more. So we avoid teaching her that being pretty is important, or otherwise placing a lot of emphasis on appearance. Though we occasionally dress her up, we don't do anything for purely aesthetic purposes that makes it harder for her to move or puts her in danger. So no tiny choking hazard bows in her hair. No long frilly dresses that make it hard for her to move. Bodies are for using. Not for appealing to others' aesthetic sensibilities.

We also won't force our own aesthetic preferences on her. Want to shave your head? That's fine, as long as we believe you understand it will take time to grow back. Want bright green hair? We're not going to act like you wounded us by having your own sense of style. Her body, her rules.

We don't put you on display
We're careful about our use of social media. We post lots of pictures of her online, but we try to avoid anything embarrassing or objectifying. Absolutely no naked pictures. If it's something we wouldn't post of ourselves, we don't post it on her behalf either.

When she's older, we won't post anything she objects to. And we'll never post anything that could be embarrassing or harmful if a peer or employer were to find it.

Except in a true emergency, no one touches you without your consent 
Adults forget how hard it is to be a kid. But imagine how often you'd freak out if you had no control over your life and time, and no say about what happens to your body.

In one of my mom groups, a mother shared a horrifying story of her child being restrained to get his hair cut. He screamed like he was dying. Everyone else seemed to think it was funny. I worried that this child was learning that other people could touch him, hurt him, and scare him for vanity's sake--or for no reason at all.

Restraining a child is traumatic. And forcing them to allow someone to touch them--particularly in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable--makes it harder for them to distinguish acceptable touches from abusive ones. That's why we won't force our child to allow someone to touch her unless her safety truly hangs in the balance. So she can't say no to getting stitches or to vaccines. But if we can't bribe her into a haircut or she wants to delay her check-up at the doctor, there's absolutely no good reason to subject her to the trauma of forced contact.

You don't have to hug or kiss anyone--even family
When we force children to hug or kiss family members, we don't teach them love or respect. We teach them that it's ok for adults to force them to show affection. That makes it nearly impossible for them to differentiate "good" forced affection from "bad" forced affection. And is there any difference anyway?

Our daughter will learn that she has to respect and be kind to people. She also has a right to demand respect and kindness from them. That means never having physical contact with someone when she doesn't want to.

Your job is not to make other people feel good 
Adults sometimes treat children like dolls. They're cute and cuddly, and we use them to feel better about ourselves. Adults should be trying to make children feel good and safe, not using children as tools to get affection. This is why we will not ever allow anyone to guilt our daughter for not wanting to give them affection.

Predators sometimes use guilt and manipulation to get physical affection. Adults might threaten children, or insist that their feelings will be hurt. Romantic partners may attempt to gain access to sex with claims of hurt feelings or sadness. We hope to raise a child who is immune to these manipulative ploys, by teaching her to ignore them now.

Bodily Autonomy Doesn't Have to Be Absolute
The notion that children are people with feelings that matter is a controversial one. It doesn't have to be radical. Bodily autonomy doesn't necessarily undermine parental authority, or prevent parents from protecting their children. Like all people, children's bodily autonomy hinges to a large degree on their reasonableness and safety.

If I go out drinking and get so drunk I get into a fight, my husband will carry me out of the bar if he has to. We can take a similar approach with children. When they behave in an unreasonable way that endangers their safety, we remove some autonomy--but only as much as is necessary to protect them.

Our children are only on loan to us for a brief while. When they leave us, they have to know how to protect themselves in a world filled with threats. Teaching bodily autonomy might not be convenient. But it honors the adult each child eventually becomes by arming them with the knowledge that their body belongs only to them.