How to Deal With First Trimester Pregnancy Symptoms (No Really, These Actually Work)

The horrible thing about the first trimester is that it's the time when you're most likely to feel like shit, but least likely to be publicly discussing your pregnancy. So, because pregnancy must be secret because miscarriage must always be a source of shame, pregnant women are stuck suffering in silence. This means we don't talk to each other like we do about, say, yeast infections, so no one knows what the hell to expect or how to cope.

Women's websites capitalize on this ignorance, selling us remedies that don't work, offering us solutions that are nothing but recycled old wives' tales, or insisting that because it's all "hormonal," it's inevitable.

Some of it probably is. But a full trimester in, I've found a handful of things that work. If you have your own brilliant strategies, please feel free to chime in. After all, every pregnant woman is different, and what works for one will not necessarily work for another.


Morning Sickness
60-80% of women get morning sickness, which should really be called "all-day, all-night, and in-your-dreams sickness." It's due to a couple of factors: a heightened disgust response that makes once-palatable foods seem gross; low blood sugar, and low blood pressure. Here's what to do:

• Go to bed with a full stomach. 
• Eat before your feet touch the ground. After 8+ hours without food, low blood sugar--and the nausea that accompanies it--is almost inevitable. 
• Drink protein shakes. Almost no one gets enough protein, and protein can help with nausea. It's also vital for embryonic brain development. 
• Chew gum. It helps you produce more saliva, which can soothe your stomach. 
• Eat every two hours. Give up on big meals, and focus on bursts of 150-300 calories. 

Constipation
LOL. That shit's staying in you forever. Just be glad you don't start vomiting it up.

I kid. Sort of. Constipation is a tough one, but a few things can help:

• Drink tons and tons of water. It keeps your bowels moving. 
• Load up on fruits. If you don't have the time or energy or inclination, try smoothies. 
• Get lots of fiber. Avocados are a godsend. 

Round Ligament Pain 
No, your ovaries are not exploding and your baby is not trying to escape through your stomach. Round ligaments keep your uterus from tilting forward and, presumably, from falling out. They also hurt like nothing you've ever felt before when they start to stretch. Sneezing becomes like torture. Getting up may cause you to double over in pain. And then there are the delightful, sudden bursts of stabbing pain that become part of your daily life. To cope:

• Hold your stomach before you get up, sneeze, or do anything else that triggers the pain. 
• Drink red raspberry leaf tea, which tones the uterus. I have no idea if it works, but my acupuncturist recommended it, and I haven't died yet, so it can't hurt. 
• Stretch. Do yoga. Anything to get those muscles moving. It may feel like torture, especially given that pregnancy saps some women's motivation and energy. Do it anyway. 

Exhaustion
Before I got pregnant, I was the most productive person I know. Now I spend my time reading advice columns and hating myself. I'm too exhausted to do anything but too stubborn to take a break. Don't be like me. Try:

• Figuring out when your most productive time of the day is, and scheduling your most difficult work for then. For me, that time is never, but for a lot of women, it's morning. 
• Taking 20-minute naps every two-three hours. But no longer, or you'll wake up wishing you were dead. 
• Drink caffeine. I know, I know, this makes me a terrible monster, but 200mg of caffeine or less is perfectly safe. That's about 12oz. of coffee. 

Disgust 
Every time I walk into my house, I proclaim that it is disgusting. By my usual standards, it is immaculate. But one time I saw a dog hair and vomited, so clearly I'm not operating according to any rational guidelines. To cope:

• Ask loved ones to cooperate. If you need your partner to brush their teeth before kissing you, present this as your problem, not theirs. 
• Chew lots of minty gum. It drowns out the smell of everything else. 
• Sniff lemon or orange essential oil. 
• Febreze the shit out of your house. Yeah, yeah, chemicals. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Trust me on this one; your disgust response is all about smell. Eliminate all smells, and you'll stop being chronically repulsed.