10 Weeks: Intrusive Advice Roundup

The amount of intrusive advice I get from strangers about my pregnancy is stunning. At first, it was charming. After all, they mean well and it's exciting to have people acknowledge that you're pregnant--at first. As the pregnancy progresses, that all changes. Intrusive advice becomes a lot like telling women to smile: an unwanted interruption to which I have to respond, no matter how much of my time doing so wastes.

Because the random people who shower me with advice think they're being nice, I can't shut it down. I have to treat their comments as if they are insightful and helpful, which means wasting even more of my time. The advice-givers seem to believe I don't have any real concerns, and therefore am obligated to respond to each and every "suggestion" I receive. After all, I'm pregnant, and that means I must spend every waking second thinking of the baby. I must not have a job--certainly not after the baby arrives!--or anything I'd rather do than respond to someone dropping some "science" about how heartburn means my baby is going to be hairy.

Most strangely of all, most of the advice comes from men. They've never been pregnant, never will be pregnant, and therefore have no idea how much intrusive advice I have to field. Instead, they seem to see themselves as great witnesses to truth; my doctor, my midwife, the many pregnant women I know, the books I have read...none of them could possibly tell me anything useful. Nope. I need a random, creepy man to explain what pregnancy is really like to me.

So I might make this a regular feature, or I might never do it again, but here is a random sampling of the advice I've gotten this week.

• "You must be having twins or be farther along than you think, because you're so big." Actually, nope. My pregnancy size is about standard for a woman of my size, age, and overall health. Where did you go to medical school again? Can you show me where on the ultrasound the invisible twin is hiding? 
• "I know you think you'll continue your life as is, but you're just going to get a mini van and move to the suburbs." Yes, because it is required that pregnant people buy new cars and move to new locations. That's why 100% of mothers drive mini vans, and there are no families in trendy, up-and-coming cities. 
• "You'll change your mind about not having an epidural." I've heard this about a dozen times this week alone. It's always from a man. The women I talk to--even those who used epidurals, even those who insist that epidurals should be available the moment you check into the hospital--are universally supportive. Men are threatened by the very idea of a woman managing intense pain without numbing her entire body. 
• "You'll start peeing every time you sneeze soon. That's just biology." Weird, because my doctor told me it's the product of increased pelvic pressure combined with untoned pubococcygeous muscles. And that if you tone those muscles with kegel exercises, this won't happen. I guess pregnant women are universally wetting their pants, though. That's why they shouldn't be in the workplace. 
• "You really shouldn't try to buy cute maternity clothes, since you're going to be fat anyway." Right. Pregnant women are universally unsexy, and should do everything they can to make themselves even less sexy. 
• "You'll give up on breastfeeding once you actually try it." Weird. I guess that's why humans are extinct, because all women everywhere have given up on breastfeeding. Oh. Wait. You're just a guy who can't fathom doing anything remotely difficult. 

From what I've heard, this is pretty tame. Can't wait till people start trying to tell me what I can and cannot eat or do. Pray for them.