5 Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy

I spent years reading about pregnancy. I can recite the stages of labor by heart, name the hormones and their quantities that matter during pregnancy, and tell you the exact contents of breast milk.

Yet 10 weeks into this whole pregnancy thing, I've realized I knew nothing. Nothing. Popular culture tells us that pregnant women are hormonal bags full of insanity who spend most of their time vomiting. I have yet to cry, though I do occasionally interrupt phone calls to vomit. Everyone's experience of pregnancy is unique, so I can't speak to what anyone but me will experience. There is no universal pregnancy experience, but some symptoms are more common than others.

A full trimester in, I've encountered some truly bizarre symptoms. Upon Googling them, I realized they're common. Like, way more common than morning sickness and crying at commercials. I sort of feel like I've been kept out of a secret society, and until I realized these symptoms were common, I felt like something was wrong with me. 

If you're pregnant, odds are good you're going to experience at least a few of these symptoms during your first trimester (and while we're at it, here's something no one will tell you: pregnancy symptoms are caused by HCG, which diminishes toward the end of the first trimester. You will feel your very worst when the fewest people know you are pregnant. It gets better, I promise). 

You Might Never Poop Again

For most of my life, I've had two official stances on pooping: 1) girls don't poop; and 2) I don't poop in Pennsylvania. The former is obviously untrue but hilarious, but the latter is strangely true. I've spent weeks of my life in that state; it is my husband's home. As soon as I cross the border into Pennsylvania, my digestive tract ceases functioning. 

But now it does not work at all. Ever. HCG and progesterone slow down digestion. As your pregnancy progresses, the placenta also begins pushing on, and eventually constricting, your large intestine. So you might literally spend your pregnancy full of shit. 

I like to tell people I have simply evolved beyond pooping. 

Everything is Disgusting 

A lot of women experience a heightened sense of smell coupled with food aversions during the first trimester. This makes a lot of things seem disgusting. My husband is forbidden from kissing me without disinfecting his entire mouth. We went through eight bottles of Febreze this month. You can laugh and tell me to just deal, but when I vomit because there's a faint hint of dog dander near me, no one will be laughing. It's better to find a way around the disgust reflex than to treat it as unreasonable. Trust me on this one. 

Your Pets Might be Super-Weird

Dogs can detect cancer, and the best can do it with 95% accuracy. That's better than many cancer screenings. So it should come as no surprise that most experts believe dogs can also detect pregnancy. It's unclear how they do it, but it's probably the result of their incredible sense of smell. What's equally unclear is whether they understand the concept of pregnancy, or just get that their owner is somehow different. 

My older dog, Zora, seems oblivious. My younger dog, Brody, is totally incorrigible. He definitely knows something's up. Wherever I go, there he is. His face is the first thing I see when I wake up. He attempts to break down doors to get me. For the first time in his life, he cannot tolerate being away from me, and most of the time he demands that we be in physical contact. Consider yourself warned. 

Your Round Ligaments Might Make You Feel Like You're Being Ripped in Half

Never heard of round ligaments? Neither had I, until I sneezed and felt like I was being stabbed in the side. Thereafter, I got sudden, sharp pains in my left lower abdomen and pelvis. I was convinced I had an ectopic pregnancy or ovarian cyst until the pain moved to my right side. Then I knew it was cancer. 

Turns out this is one of the most common pregnancy symptoms, and some women experience this pain even before they know they're pregnant. Every pregnant woman eventually learns about round ligament pain, since it's a virtual inevitable by the second trimester. But for some reason--probably the fact that no one wants to credit women's pain--non-pregnant people don't seem to know about this near-universal experience. 

Round ligaments secure your uterus, preventing it from tipping forward or, I guess, falling out as the weight of your baby continually pulls on it. Since they don't have to do any work until you get pregnant, it's really noticeable when they stretch. The pain can come as a sudden, sharp, stabbing sensation or a dull ache. It's especially common at night, when you sneeze or cough, and when you stand up or change positions. 

Everything Bleeds. Everything. 

Pregnancy increases your blood volume, which means that pretty much everything in your body swells, from your sinuses to gums. Don't be surprised if you blow blood out of your nose every day or appear to be hemorrhaging after you brush your teeth. You may also notice veins where they never appeared before. 

What about vaginal bleeding during pregnancy? It's pretty normal. In fact, 20-30% of women experience some bleeding during pregnancy, and less than half of them have miscarriages. Of course, it's your womanly duty to spend your entire pregnancy in a state of panic, so know that any bleeding warrants a call to your doctor. Bleeding could signal a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, but it could also be due to too-rough sex, implantation, an ovarian cyst, or some other random event.