Five Ways Childless Feminists Can Support Friends Who Are Mothers

The feminist movement has largely abandoned mothers, but this doesn't mean that all feminists think mothers have no place in the movement. Yet a weird societal notion suggests that mothers are fundamentally different from non-mothers. Give birth to a child and suddenly you're a raging bag of hormones who can care about nothing but diapers and layettes. So it's hard for non-mothers--even those who get the feminist struggles associated with motherhood--to know how to be supportive, especially if they don't know a lot of mothers.

If you want to break the divide between mothers and non-mothers--and you should, since most women become mothers, and feminism and motherhood need each other--here are some incredibly simple ways to do so.




Educate Yourself About Motherhood and Feminism 
Most feminist blogs spend little time covering issues related to mothering such as the right to publicly breastfeed, the perils of a too-short maternity leave, or the increase in domestic violence that pregnancy triggers. Good luck finding more than two or three academic works on feminism and motherhood. I had no trouble registering the domain "pregnantandfeminist," yet any other descriptor associated with feminism is pretty much impossible to register or buy.

Few feminists have expended much effort to learn about, or educate other feminists about, motherhood and feminism, so it's forgivable if you don't know much about the intersection of the two. You can educate yourself by reading this blog, or any of the many "mommy blogs" with a feminist bent out there. You can ask your pregnant friends about the specific issues they face, or just stop to notice those issues.

I guarantee you it won't be long before you see a guy plow into a pregnant woman with a shopping cart, witness a stranger touch a pregnant woman's belly, or hear a cashier make an insulting comment about a pregnant woman's body. Once your eyes are opened, it's hard to miss the onslaught of sexism pregnant women experience.

Listen to Their Experiences
Activists know that privileged groups tend to talk down to relatively less privileged groups. White people are more likely to lecture to black people about their experiences than to listen to them. Men tell women they're lying about their lives, or misunderstand, well, everything. Rich people condescend to the poor about how, if only they'd skip Starbucks, they'd suddenly be able to afford a mansion in Costa Rica.

I see this in the way non-mothers speak to mothers. We're told that we're silly to worry about birth choices, or that the problems of motherhood are not socially constructed; motherhood is inherently terrible; postpartum depression is inevitable; and the high rate of post-birth incontinence couldn't possibly have anything to do with the rush to return to work before healing, the woefully inadequate medical care laboring women receive, or medical interventions that damage nerves and muscles.

If you are not a mother, you do not know what it is like to be one. You are not an expert on pregnancy or mother's issues. 

Remember this when you talk to your mother friends, and defer to their experiences. Remember also that, just like every other group, mothers are not a monolith. Some of us find motherhood easy. Some of us blame the changes associated with motherhood on our hormones. Some of us are quick to notice motherhood-based oppression. Listen and learn. Don't lecture and condescend.

Include Them 
I am the exact same person I was before getting pregnant--though admittedly slightly more tired. And I'm more interested than ever before in feminist issues. Yet pretty much all of my childless feminist friends have lost interest in me and stopped speaking to me. I don't know if it's that I'm not cool anymore, that they buy into the sexist notion that mothers only care about motherhood, or something else. But whatever it is, it makes it really hard for me to participate in any activity that is not wrapped up in motherhood.

Include your mother friends in activities that aren't strictly about motherhood. They might have more demanding schedules or less money now, but that doesn't mean they've lost interest in all outside pursuits.

Be Mindful of Privilege 
In a sexist society, every woman is a potential mother. It's why the CDC creepily warned all women that they are potential mothers who should minimize drinking. It's what enables employers to get away with paying women of childbearing age less than men. But women who are not mothers generally manage to escape some of the more glaring forms of oppression that mothers face. So be mindful of relative balances in privilege when talking to pregnant women and mothers. I've started an admittedly sparse Childless Privilege Checklist here, but at least it's a start.

Understand That Mothers Are Still Women, and That Women Are Still People
Growing a child is a life-changing undertaking, and it would be cruel not to ask a friend about her experiences while pregnant. But pregnancy is not the sum total of my identity; motherhood won't be, either. Remember that your parent friends are still people. They have the same interests they always did, and one of the best ways to make them feel valued is to continue talking to them about those interests you share.