5 Baby Gift Rules That Make Everyone's Life Better

I pride myself on being a good gift-giver. I see gifts as a way to show that you really know someone, so I'm loath to give a gift certificate or an impersonal trinket. But this pregnancy has made me realize something: I was a terrible gift-giver to new parents and their kids until I got pregnant.

When you're childless, you just don't think about what new parents might really need. Case in point: when my neighbor had her second baby, I got her a bunch of basic baby supplies and onesies--as if she didn't already have dozens of those. My friends Daniel and Krystle were the first in my circle of friends to have a baby, and I spent way too much on frilly, useless shit that I am sure left them with a pile of clutter and a side of guilt (sorry, guys).

So I'm not here to judge anyone for not knowing what to get for a baby shower, new baby, or as a token of affection for a new mother. Know better, do better. My job is to help other hapless, childless people like my former self know better now.

Consider Using the Registry
We all want to give gifts that are "special" and "pretty." What that often translates into is gifting things that are totally useless--expensive frilly blankets, christening gowns that never get worn, ridiculous-looking baby costumes.

I'm deeply uncomfortable with the idea of registries, since no one is under any obligation to get anyone a present, ever. Registries are here to stay, though, and many parents (us included) use their registries as shopping lists for the baby. Immediately after our shower, I purchased everything on our registry.

So don't ignore the registry. A box of diapers or a carseat anchor might not be thrilling, but buying them can free up parental cash to do other things--like fund a date night after the baby arrives.

Don't Get Art or Decorations 
Art is, pretty much by definition, intensely personal. The odds that you will be able to get someone art that they love are practically nonexistent. And if you give someone art that you've made yourself, you've not only given them something they probably can't use; you've given them an obligation. Because they're going to have to hang it somewhere next time you come to visit.

Every parent has plans for their baby's nursery. Don't take the fun out of it by making them feel obligated to hang something you selected. Giving someone art usually just means giving them clutter, so resist the urge to buy something you love. Or better yet, just buy it for yourself.

Be Careful About Forcing Your Values on Someone Else
Many parents have very strong feelings about how they want to raise their children. If we have a daughter, she will never, ever wear something emblazoned with "princess" or "diva." Nor will our son wear a onesie beseeching people to "lock up your daughters."

It's easy not to think about how gifts convey personal values, but they often do. And if someone doesn't happen to share your values, your gift can feel less like an act of charity and more like an act of judgment. So don't assume that the parents are breastfeeding, that they want their daughter in pink, that they'll be raising the child with religion, or that they intend to co-sleep or use a crib.

Get Something That Has Nothing to Do With Parenting 
God bless my hairdresser (and friend of 20+ years), Lisa. She and her husband got us Cards Against Humanity for our baby shower, among a bunch of other baby items. After we had spent two hours opening baby gifts, there was something humanizing about opening a gift that was just for us. It made me realize that we're still going to be snarky, trouble-making, hilarious adults, even with a screaming newborn in tow.

If you can't think of anything to get the baby, get something for the parents. That goes doubly when the baby arrives. A mom who's just pushed a human out of her body might love a massage, a new purse, or a shopping trip. Indeed, it might save her sanity if she's feeling overwhelmed by the all-encroaching identity of "mother."

Offer Help (and Mean It)
Pregnancy is hard work, and parenting is even harder. I love the beautiful clothes and adorable toys and myriad other precious baby gifts the people I love got for me. But honestly, I'd be just as thrilled if someone offered to come work in my yard for an hour. I can't do it in this heat. A voucher for childcare from someone I can actually trust with my baby would also be awesome, as would a few meals. You don't have to spend money. Sometimes help counts for a lot more anyway.

Most importantly of all, remember that you are not obligated to give other people gifts. People who make you feel otherwise are bad people. The best gift you can give is always and inevitably your presence, since new parents often struggle with feeling abandoned by their friends (especially the childless ones). Show up and keep showing up, even if you bring nothing but yourself.