The Olympics are here again, which means it's once again time for us all to pretend that athletic prowess is the same as character, and that the basic decency of helping an injured comrade somehow constitutes a triumph of the human spirit. I, for one, am extra excited about all those travelers to Rio who will return with Zika, spread it to our local mosquitoes, and contribute to an outbreak. It's a fine time to be a human being.
No, seriously. I love the Olympics. When they came to Atlanta in 1996, my brother and I turned into miniature hustlers, conning everyone into giving us their Olympic memorabilia, then selling it for double and triple its actual value. Dreams really do come true during the Olympics.
I think it's time for pregnant women to start seeing some Olympic dreams come true. So let's ditch the facade that pregnancy is a time for rest and bonbon-eating and treat it like the epic athletic event it really is. A few proposed pregnancy Olympic events:
- Artistic gymnastics happen every day in my shower. I do splits to shave my legs, backbends to wash my hair, and master the balance required to vault. Bathing and personal grooming as a pregnant women are the same as gymnastics, except with razors and water.
- Rhythmic gymnastics is obviously the dumbest Olympic sport, but it happens every morning in my bedroom as I struggle to get out of bed, trip over my dogs, land on my feet, and flail my arms.
- Wrestling is a joke to any pregnant woman who has ever struggled to put on pants. Those things fight back, and fight back hard. Occasionally the scene even turns into a judo match where you throw yourself. And frankly, I am far more impressed by someone who can throw themselves (especially while pantless) than throw another person. Come on. Give me a gold medal already.
- Every pregnant woman is an expert boxer, since zealously guarding your stomach is pretty much the only way to keep random strangers from approaching you and assaulting your stomach to "feel the baby."
- If strapping a 20-80 pound weight to your stomach, then adding all the supplies you need to cope--pregnancy pillow, ice pack, icy hot--to your purse does not count as weightlifting, then I do not understand what weightlifting actually is.
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