10 Things to Know Before Visiting a Newborn

The Internet is full of listicles about what to do and what not to do when visiting the parents of a new baby. Weirdly, the comments sections of these articles are always full of hostile backlash--"I'll do whatever I goddamn well please" and "Well then, I just won't visit."

We're talking about protecting the health of people who may have been up for days, the sanity of a woman who is at a high risk of suffering from depression and anxiety, and the life of a delicate newborn baby. That people would react this way under the guise of "care" for the baby is nothing short of despicable.

Still, lots of new parents fail to adequately explain why they've established the rules they have. Also, a number of articles on rules for visiting a newborn focus on bringing gifts and food. I don't need my visitors to bring me things. I do need them to respect my family time and to understand how demanding it is to have a newborn. Here's what you need to know before you visit me, or any other new mother.


Newborns Are Not Like Other Babies
A number of my friends don't have kids, and I've been surprised to learn how little they know about babies. You don't have to be a baby expert to visit a newborn, but if you've never been around a newly hatched human, knowing a bit about these alien creatures can help you appropriately adjust your expectations. A few basics:

• Newborns have almost no motor control, and no ability to support their own head. A newborn's head and neck must be supported at all times, and new parents anxiously watch baby-holders to ensure they are doing precisely this. 
• Newborns cannot plan, and there is significant debate about how much they can remember or understand. One thing we know is that they cannot be spoiled, and cannot be forced into a schedule. Doing otherwise is cruel, with potentially lifelong consequences. The takeaway here is that mom and dad need to immediately respond to a baby's cues, so if she starts crying, give her back. If she's hungry, don't expect the parents to delay a feeding to continue a conversation.
• Newborns do not sleep through the night like normal humans, and have to eat frequently. That means mom and dad may sleep in 2-3 hour bursts, then spend another 2-3 hours feeding and entertaining the baby. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture that makes everything more difficult. Be understanding. 

Mom is Still a Person With Needs

A few weeks ago, I stayed up for 48 hours to push a human being out of my body, then immediately began using that body as the little human's sole source of nutrition. That's a huge shift in lifestyle and identity. It's both physically and psychologically demanding. My recovery has been on the easy end of the recovery continuum; I had a birth without complications, no C-section, and no drugs. Nevertheless, recovery has been slow and difficult. I cannot imagine how much harder it is for many other moms. 

A new mom probably won't tell you about the many challenges she faces--from painful stitches in an area where no one wants them to intense muscle pain that accompanies the abdominal muscle separation that most women experience during pregnancy. We expect mothers to be perfect, to never complain, and to immediately know how to mother. We also expect them to do so in a world where they're offered little support. 

Is it any wonder so many of them end up depressed? For most of human history, we've lived in communal societies with lots of help and guidance for new moms. Pressure to go back to work was unheard of, and new moms didn't have to spend endless hours alone. And just as we celebrate other achievements, the achievement of birthing a healthy baby was celebrated. For contemporary American moms, things are a lot bleaker. Some researchers believe that this, and not hormonal shifts, are the primary culprit in postpartum depression. 

So do your part to help mom. Don't devote all of your attention to the baby. A newborn doesn't care about gifts or compliments, but a little affection can make a world of difference to a struggling new mom. Ask her how she's doing. Encourage her to share her birth story. Do a little research about postpartum emotions. Offer a hug. Mom is still the same person she was before, so don't allow her to think that her only value is as a feed bag or incubator for that adorable little baby. 

You Are an Intruder
Visiting is not a gift. Sure, I might be happy to see you. After endless hours singing songs and cooing with an underdeveloped human, I may be thrilled to see another adult face. But the two to three months following the birth of a baby are a lot like a honeymoon. I might never again be able to take so much time off of work or enjoy a surplus of uninterrupted time with my husband and child. Moreover, we are establishing our unique routines as a family. So know that when you show up, you're intruding on some of that.

What does this mean? Don't expect me to interrupt my routine for you. If the baby is sleeping, I'm not going to wake her up. I'm also not going to delay or shorten breastfeeding because you want to hold the baby. And if it's naptime, your visit removes the precious few hours I have to myself. So please ask for a convenient time to come, and then show up at that time. Don't just drop by.

Handwashing is Non-Negotiable--and Don't Show Up Smelling Like Anything
It's true that one of the ways we build immunity is through exposure to germs. What people fail to realize is that exposure to those germs often means getting sick. Building immunity is not a high priority for my baby right now, particularly since I am nursing her and giving her my own antibodies. So don't you dare dismiss my concerns about her health by telling me exposure to your illnesses "builds her immunity."

Nope. Instead, exposure to any illness might kill her. Babies are obligate nose breathers, which means that a stuffy nose is more than just an inconvenience to her. They have extremely weak immune systems, and a fever can be life-threatening. We've already had one emergency room visit because someone exposed her to an infection. I don't want another.

Don't show up sick. And don't even think about arguing with me about washing your hands. If you cough or sneeze on my baby, I might murder you. Finally, for the love of God, please don't show up smelling of smoke, perfume, or common allergens unless you plan to be the one to tend to my coughing, sneezing baby when you depart.

Your Visit Should Be Short
When new parents say they haven't slept in days, they're not exaggerating. Recovering from birth is hard, and tending to a newborn is even harder. Entertaining guests--a once-easy task--can become daunting to new parents. It's stressful to have to hint to a guest that it's time to go. It's even more stressful to worry about hurt feelings when you try to advocate for your baby's well-being and your family's bonding time. So don't overstay your welcome. Stay no longer than an hour unless the parents make it very clear that they want you to stick around.

I Am Not a Maid
Something about squishy newborn cheeks and irresistible newborn coos robs normal humans of the ability to think. I understand that you'll do just about anything to get some of that newborn cuteness for yourself. But please understand that "I can hold the baby while you clean" is NOT a kind offer. It discounts my role as my child's mother and turns me into a maid. I'm not possessive of my baby, and want her to bond with my friends and family. I also know that one adult is not as good as the next. I'm better at reading my baby's cues than others, and I have her food.

It's also extremely unlikely that any new parent will trust you alone with the baby unless you have a very close relationship or extensive experience with infants. And if you do, offer to hold the baby while mom and dad shower or nap instead.

If you really want to be helpful, offer to do something around the house while I hold the baby.

Don't Ask for--or Expect--Anything
When you visit a new mom, you are visiting someone who is in recovery. There's significant stigma against talking about the challenges of postpartum recovery, probably because doing so would alert people to how unreasonable our expectations of new mothers really are. But it's not an easy journey. Expecting a new mom to be an excellent hostess is expecting too much. And for the love of God, please don't ask for favors or advice. Newborns are demanding, selfish little people, and the last thing new parents need is a longer list of demands than the one they already have.

You Might Not Be Able to Hold the Baby
New parents are highly protective of their babies. There's a good reason for this: babies need to bond with their parents. Bonding with visitors is far less important. So don't be surprised if anxious new parents don't want anyone to hold the baby just yet. Keep your complaints to yourself and respect the parents' wishes; they'll be much more likely to let you hold the baby next time if you do.

If you do get a chance to hold the baby, show the parents that you can be trusted. Don't take the baby out of the room. Don't cough or sneeze on the baby. Support the baby's head. Pay attention to any jewelry or clothing that might harm the baby. And if the baby begins to cry, immediately give her back. Otherwise, you might see a new mother go into full-scale mama bear mode. It won't be pretty.

No One Needs Your Judgment
If you come into my home and judge my parenting, I'll ask you to leave, and I won't invite you back. New parents are exhausted and stressed enough; they don't need your judgment or your unsolicited parenting advice. Keep your opinions to yourself: the baby's name is beautiful. Mom looks great. And the parents are doing a great job. Repeat this until you can say it convincingly.

If You Can't Help, Don't Hurt 
You don't have to clean or cook or bring me food or offer me emotional support to visit me. But please don't show up and make things worse. If you make a mess, clean it up. Don't dump your problems on me, and don't bring a rambunctious child or an uninvited guest. It's pretty simple: you don't have to visit, so before you do, ask yourself what you can do to make life easier, not harder.