What I've Never Regretted, and What I Always Will

I thought I was ready for a baby three years ago. I had a great job, a great spouse, and had spent years consuming every developmental psychology text I could get my hands on. There's a certain smugness that comes with being a non-parent. Everything looks easier when you're disconnected from it.

Now that I'm pregnant, I cannot believe it is legal for me to raise a child. I find myself constantly ruminating on what I can possibly offer another human. I keep drafting letters of advice to my child, only to realize all the things I've fucked up in the past, and all the things I'll fuck up in the future.

This isn't about doubting myself or about self-esteem. I know (hope? pray?) that I'll be a good mom, and my mistakes are what have brought me to the incredible life I have now. Knowing how naive I've been in the past, though, makes me realize how naive I am now. Ten years from now I'll laugh at myself for being so stupid, knowing so little, and screwing up so much.

That's called life.

The more I struggle with what I have to offer my child, the more I return to the theme of mistakes. Perfection is an impossible goal, and people who make no mistakes are unable to master new skills. Our mistakes make us who we are. They propel us forward. Or they propel us backward and force us to try something else. It's ultimately the same thing.

I've found that a lot of the things I think are mistakes in the moment--sharing my vulnerabilities, reaching out to a stranger, being a little too nice--turn out to be the very best decisions I've made. I think what I'm going to try to teach my child is that there are some things you will never regret, and some things you almost always will.

These thoughts are all I have so far in the very small pamphlet of wisdom I hope to pass onto little Zeff.

• The notion that you must discover your "true self," and then be that self at all times, is total bullshit. Each of us contains many selves. Experiment with those selves. See which one makes you feel the best. Then be that self. 
• Never hesitate to help another person. I have lost entire days to ill-advised helping ventures. I've screamed in the car because I was so frustrated by these endeavors. When I was a poor college student, I pretty routinely gave my last $5 to a homeless person. People will prattle endlessly about boundaries and investigating to see whether the person whom you're helping really deserves it. There may be times when helping people feels incredibly draining in the moment. But you'll never regret it. 
• Even if a relationship ends, you will gain much more from it if you fully invest. Take five more minutes, and another five more minutes, and another five more minutes to cuddle. Invest in your partner. Ultimately doing so is an investment in yourself. 
• If you never fail at anything, you're not challenging yourself enough. Failure is how humans learn. Fail again, and again, and again. 
• You will never regret standing up to a bully on behalf of someone else--whether it's the mean kid at school, the gossip monger at work, or the teacher who loves berating an unprepared student. 
• You will never look back upon something mean you said or did and be proud. Might it feel good to scream at your ex or tell that rude clerk to go fuck herself in the moment? Yup. With time comes awareness, and with awareness comes the realization that we are here to make other people's lives better, not worse. It doesn't matter what someone else does to you; if you're cruel to them, you're just adding to the net suffering in the world. Model something better. Sometimes the worst punishment is guilt over treating someone badly. Your kindness may be the thing that allows your enemy to one day feel that guilt. 
• You'll always regret lying. Find a better way. People lie to cover up misdeeds and shame. When you have to do this, something has gone terribly awry. Fix it. 
• No one ever looks back on their life and fondly recalls their purchases. Whether it's a car or a fancy new pen, it won't matter a year from now. 
• Every conflict matters less with the passage of time. No matter what they've done to you, forgive everyone. This doesn't mean you have to remain in contact with them, but if you're still harboring resentment a year later, you're doing it wrong. Nothing matters that much. 
• Be direct. Passive-aggression destroys everything. You will never be glad that you concealed your feelings and waited for someone else to read your mind. "I feel horrible. I don't know why and I need someone or something to blame for it" might sound ridiculous, but it's more honest and less crazy than spending endless days subtly hinting at negative emotions or trying to get someone else to help you. We all struggle with being clear and direct because doing so subjects us to judgment. Failing to do so, though, almost inevitably results in harsher judgments. It's easy to dismiss someone who's being mean because they feel bad; it's a lot harder to dismiss someone who puts their vulnerabilities on the table and asks for help. 
• Building other people up is always the right thing to do. If you're constantly picking apart someone else's work, personality, or appearance, it's time to take a long, hard look at yourself. 

And finally, I want to teach this little monster not to take anything too seriously. Even me. Even my advice. Even this. Life is just a thing we do, and the notion that there's one type of good life, or one right way to do it, or that success is in any way objective is silly.